he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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