She is in my trunk
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
