and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
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