Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
