I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
