I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Randomize
