my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
