I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize