Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
third nipple confirmed
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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