Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
