on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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