My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
