I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
