Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
