Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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