I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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