atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
