Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
