I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
