Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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