Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I pour the whiskey from now on
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
