I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
