Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
