last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
