I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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