In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
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