my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
