Michael Bay diarrhea
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
