When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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