I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
