I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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