fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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