it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
