You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
