come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
