17 year olds will be the death of me.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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