I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
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