i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
