There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
