I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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