I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I hate all girls vehemently.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
