I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
