ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
