Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
