I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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