Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
