where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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