I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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