we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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