Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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