my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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