Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
