oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
